Journal Series: Meditation

I just meditated. I decided to do it before bed in order to relax. The truth is that I made a promise to myself to meditate once daily, and I lasted maybe two consecutive days before falling off. Anyway, I got back on the horse just now. I had just finished another Netflix show and it left me feeling strange. It was a depressing short series, but it also ended on a hopeful note. It affected me, and I knew that I would have trouble sleeping because my insecurities have been cropping up left and right lately. That main character went through the worst of things, and yet she turned things around in the end. Albeit it took her a while, and she made some very stupid mistakes. Though, who am I to judge? Oh, the mistakes I’ve made. However, she turned it around. What have I turned around lately? What have I accomplished for myself in the last decade? The truth is, I’ve only been surviving, and in comfort no less.

So, I meditated. It was a mediation about self-love. I had a choice between themes of stress, anxiety, workplace, sleep, etc… I chose self-love because it’s been a constant struggle for me my entire life. I’ve been so full of doubt and pessimism. Self-love felt much needed at this point. When the mediation started playing, I spent the first five minutes struggling to get my mind to calm down. No matter how hard I focused on my breathing, I could feel my brain pulsing. I tried to hang onto every word the guide was saying, and I did indeed hear her words, but I couldn’t shut out the other noise. I used to be good at this, but now I’d reached a point of loudness that couldn’t be silenced easily. Maybe it was the universe throwing me a bone or feeling sorry for me, but after those five minutes of battling my own thoughts, the noise stopped. All I could hear was the calm voice of the meditation guide and my deep breathing. I visualized and felt every inhale bring in overwhelming energy, and every exhale send out toxic emotions. The imagery was like a green, boiling liquid, like toxic waste, spilling out of me and down into a drain.

There was a point when I was asked, “What is it you need right now?” My answer was love. I needed love. I was asked to picture that love and envision what it looks like. I started to see sunlight and fields of green. There was so many colourful flowers and the sky was blue going on pink. I felt the wind, a calming breeze passing through and brushing against my skin and all the natural life around me. The most important thing was the person standing there in front of me. I didn’t see a face, nor hear a voice. I saw a grey sweater, or maybe a cream cardigan. Arms extended to reach around me, and I felt the warmth of a hug. It felt strong and endearing. The best part was the kiss on my forehead, which felt like all the safety and happiness in the world. That part of the mediation only lasted a minute, but in my vision it felt eternal. The feeling was everlasting, and I realized it was the thing I wanted the most in that moment. No, it IS the thing I want the most.

My eyes were closed for this meditation, as one does during these things. I felt a rush of sparks start to climb up my body and send tingles into my chest. The sensation traveled up my arms and to my face, reaching my eyes and starting a slight burn. Before I could realize exactly what was happening, tears were forming in my eyes while they were still closed. I couldn’t quite understand why. I didn’t feel sad… I didn’t feel joyful either. Reflecting back, I think I started crying for two reasons. For starters, I had to see expel those particular tears from my body. The breathing sent out a lot of the negativity, but my tears liquified all the tiredness and exhaustion I’d been carrying for the last few years. The last few months especially were so hard, and I never took the time to banish those demons till date. In this small ten-minute meditation about self-love, I subconsciously loved myself enough to let go of the darkness. The second reason my eyes had shed water was because my vision of what I believe is love was the most beautiful thing I’d ever imagined. I didn’t even know it was what I wanted. I’m not a guy who likes being outdoors, but that warmth, that wind, the colours, and all the feelings were the most perfect imaginary moment. No wonder I began to cry.

At the end of the mediation, I was asked to open my eyes with the memory of that love scene burned in mind forever. I slowly opened my eyelids to blurry, tear-filled surroundings. I had always associated tears with headaches and heartaches, but this time all I felt was calm serenity. I felt okay. I felt hopeful. And then, as the guide suggested, I immediately came and wrote this out. She said to write about the love I experienced and had for myself in that moment. I, a person who always has doubts, didn’t question it or hesitate to action because with my whole heart and soul, I wanted to write. I wanted to express the beauty of the time I had during my meditation. I didn’t think I had the words to properly convey everything, but here I am overflowing from the experience.

I end on this big note that came from my little meditation: I am love. I am making a commitment to myself to always go back to that love. A love that euphoric and rewarding is something I just can’t ignore, so I’ll be eagerly awaiting the day that love manifests into reality. And now, sweet dreams.

To experience the same guided meditation I did, you can listen for free via Insight Timer here:

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